Have you ever been in therapy? I mean, a therapy session? Just one session will do for this relation. Usually, a session lasts an hour and then the therapist says something like “Oookay, times up!” They usually make this comment directly after you’ve disclosed some highly sensitive information that is life and death and completely necessary to explore at THIS VERY MOMENT. But you can’t. You have to go home. How does that feel?
That’s how I feel right now. It’s 4:30 pm. I seriously need to write and my husband is due to walk in the door at any minute. Argh! And here’s the kicker – I was home ALL DAY! I could have written, but what did I choose to do? Watch Dr. Who. Yeah. So, is this codependent behavior? Is this some sort of sick martyr-ism? This seems to be a pattern for me. I think, perhaps, I am a time waster! Doh! (Make a note to self – explore the reason for this.)
So – what did I want to write so badly about in the first place? I was thinking about writing. I don’t mean “blog” either. I mean actually writing something that I might like to have published one day – printed book. It could be either fiction or non fiction. I care not! Yeah, so I decided to shut off Dr. Who and write. Geez, I sat one the couch for 5 minutes looking out the window, laptop in my lap. I did write something, in fact.( A cheesy scene about a girl who walked up to a boy who sat at a table. She was shy. She wanted to know if this fella “Abe” had a borrowed magical sword in his possession.) OH MY GOSH! That sort of writing can kill a person. I sat there for around 15 or 20 minutes for 4 paragraphs. How do authors do it? Seriously! My mom writes. I give her tons of credit (and all others who write). She’s written a trilogy.
I’m ranting. I do have a point for today. Okay, lemme try to get back to it.
So, I’m not an author. I’m actually really simple; I lead a simple lifestyle. I’m a house-wife/part time employee in a nearby school district. My degree is in psychology – marriage and family counseling. (I have no interest in counseling at the moment.) I care for two dogs and a cat. And I can’t have children. And as I have mentioned before, I am 20 pounds over weight.
I don’t define myself by my materials, wage, or social life. (I would think anyone who defined who they were by wage would be quite sore considering the economy of 2013.) I used to define myself on achievements, however. That’s scary! Don’t define yourself by that. I didn’t have the guts to really accomplish anything that would be considered important to ANY human who walked the face of this planet anyways. So it’s a good thing I changed direction. But you know what? I think I’ve turned too far in the opposite direction. It seems that I have a hard time defining my accomplishments. Okay, the thought just occurred to me that my accomplishments are really psychological/intellectual.
I’ll explain. I was raised with a dry drunk in the house. He caused a lot of damage and I needed to go through a lot of learning to understand my thoughts, actions and emotions. I acted out in elementary school to the point of violence towards others and things. I was sent home on occasion. My teachers in junior high just passed me to get me through their class, and in high school the teachers were clueless on how to “handle” me. I ended up dropping out. I worked 50 hours a week as a bus-girl. From there it was “sex, drugs and rock-n-roll.” THAT’S when I ended up in the therapy session, in which I opened this entry. 😀 Depression was inevitable for a girl in my shoes. I slowly began to change for the better though. I went back to an adult school to earn my diploma and from there went to beauty college. I hadn’t totally shaken off the attitude, however, and got expelled for being “threatening” . I got through 9 months so I actually got my monies worth (or rather, my mom’s money)! I learned it all before I had to leave. Anyways, it’s still a negative in my accomplishment book. Geez, I had a terrible history of poor grades and incompletes, negative attitude and being mean.
After a serious period of depression, I scooped up enough guts to go to college and earn a degree. Of course that dry drunk ridiculed me for it and that hurt badly. But I pushed forward. I ended up graduating with honors on the dean’s list and in my major. College was a turning point for me. I worked full time and had class full time. Shortly after I met and married my alcoholic hubby, who is finally in recovery – thank you God – which has lead me to a deeper understanding of the supernatural, Al-anon, and ultimately what my role is in the universe.
At any rate, most of that is in the past (besides the al-anon and spiritual aspect) and here I sit. My accomplishments are psychological (and spiritual). I am no longer mean to people and I work daily to shake off my bad attitude and let the Light in. The kicker is that I still feel like I need to be “productive”. I’m so tired of hearing about people being productive!!! Whatever happened to enjoying life? To enjoy life is to slow down. I don’t think I’m dim-witted, but I have tried to slow down my mind with my body. One of yoga practices is to quiet your mind! How can over-achieving people actually practice and benefit from the principles of yoga, Al-anon or religion when they are cruising so fast through life? It’s a conundrum.
There is my psychological/intellectual accomplishment. The End. 😀
See, I told ya that I needed to write. My husband just came home also. Good timing. As I walked out to greet him, I walked by something I am working on – a crochet scarf. After writing about slowing down and practicing self-acceptance, I still have a need to feel productive, and my glance at the scarf was a measure of my productivity. This doesn’t measure my self worth, nevertheless. I will realize this as a comfortable achievement and no more.
…and with that, my time is up. 😉
May tomorrow be slow, peaceful, (and metal-pail free) as I continue in my journey in becomingtawnya.
…And may your tomorrow be however you’d like to define a manageable life for yourself. 😀
PS – If you actually read this entire entry, may you be blessed 10 fold in the measurement of time!
Here’s the scarf I worked on during Dr. Who (BBC).
Crochet (sc). “Amazing” yarn called VIOLETS.