When I’m Irritated it’s About ME!

Good Morning. I feel I need to journal right away this morning. I made some french roast in my small Mr. Coffee machine – decaf, of course. I’m ready to go.

I’ve been pretty irritated with my husband’s behavior lately. We stopped going to our A.A/Alanon meetings on Friday nights to do a Bible study, but he just doesn’t seem to have time for it, so it looks like I need to pick back up on my Alanon meetings. He’s driving me crazy and at times, I can tell it’s on purpose.

We had a huge turkey dinner with my mom and her husband yesterday and he was decent for conversation, but when it came time to go, I was the one organizing all of the left overs and other bags we brought. He just wasn’t helpful. He did get his shoes on when I told him to. :) He wasn’t in my way then. I hate sounding like I am high maintenance, because I’m really not and he can’t read my mind, so I need to speak up. I suppose I could have ASKED him to get his shoes on, but I didn’t…

Gosh, I’m nit-picking. “I really don’t know what anyone else should feel, think, or do.” C2C

When we came home, I went right to the bedroom with my laptop and watched documentaries – Reel Injun and Mahalia Jackson. I decided that since I was married to a person who is registered with the Ojibwe tribe, I should learn more about the tribes. So I’ve started this with documentaries and movies made by Indians about Indians. If it’s not that, it’s books. I’m also reading a book called Boarding School Season. So far, I like it. I’m learning so much!

So, as I was watching my documentary, my husband asked me if I would walk the dogs with him, and after his treatment towards me (lots more I left out – not necessary to write) I decided that I needed some “me” time instead. When he left I told him I loved him, and that stopped him in his tracks and asked “…even when I’m so mean to you all of the time?” I said: “well, even though you were mean to me today, I forget the other days because I’m focusing on today.”

I did wake up a little upset. That’s how I knew I needed to journal. I don’t even know what this does for me, but I like the results. It’s a vent and then I’m able to think on things that are good – like life, laundry, baking, and rolling around new info that I gathered on the Native Tribal peoples. :) By the way, the white man gave the word “Indian” to the tribes, they considered themselves “…of the people”, which is what the word “Cherokee” means, I think. I’d have to Google it to be certain – which I will do right now! Okay, I will close. Here’s the link to what it really means.

Www.cherokeetourismok.com/faq/pages/13.aspx

Until I write again… Hopefully I can get set up on a routine again, now that we have the net back. Maybe I might like shooting for once a week….

Update on Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day!
It’s been almost a month since I posted online, but I have been journaling. My husband decided to let the net go for a while – for a trial. Now we have it. So here we are again.

We’re making pizza tonight for dinner. Since Valentine’s is on a weekday, there isn’t any reason to go “all out”. I need routine, and so does my Valentine. I picked up his-and-hers Chromebooks for a gift this year. We forgot about our 5 year anniversary, so I thought this idea was a nice one to sort of make up for it. The 5 year anniversary is supposed to be one of the big ones. I bet we’ll need new netbooks by then!

I’m going to try to eat really light today (not necessarily healthy), since we’re having homemade pizza tonight. I lost 5 pounds, on purpose, and then gained them back. I haven’t been exercising much and I’ve been crocheting quite a bit. I’m working on an afghan and my goal is to be done by the end of March. And because I eat light, doesn’t mean my choices are healthy either. Lunch will probably be ice cream with homemade chocolate syrup. :)

On the job front? I’m still at my job. I have looked at job postings online only once. I really need to update my resume. But you know, I’m really just not feeling “moved” to seek out new employment. I’m probably just being a baby and throwing a tantrum over these feelings that I am having. Maybe everyone goes through this period during their first 5 to 6 years with their company? …but then again, I’d really like to work just ONE shift. Oh, I probably wouldn’t change my habits anyways. I’m probably just making excuses for why I am not doing what I “think” I should be doing. I need to just put more work into being happy with the way my life is going. It’s calm right now. I like that. I LOVE that.

Alright, I think I’ll close here. I suppose I’d keep writing all day if I could – if I didn’t have another shift to go work. LOL. Now THAT was funny!

Until me writes again…

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Anger & Frustration Turns into Anxiety

I will recognize that I am on a spiritual path of self-improvement. Every tiny step I take on that path moves me closer to wholeness, health, and serenity. ~ c2c

I really like this entry. This fits me right now. You know, I woke up this morning talking to God? I love that. This doesn’t mean I didn’t wake up full of anxiety though. I woke up with heart palpitations. Again, just like I do every morning. My husband runs all over the house drinking coffee and “doing stuff” while I sit on the couch and watch TV and crochet, or I have Pandora on and surf the net. He gets so mad at me. He even has the nerve to tell me that what I am doing is wrong, whilst he’s decaying in his own alcoholic chaos. My anger grew.

I finally ended up telling him that if I knew how to set a cement staircase, fix plumbing or flooring, or replace windows, fix the furnace or air conditioning, I would help him. But since I don’t have any of these skills (and they are all his projects to begin with) I can’t help. Since I can’t help, and these are his projects anyways, I’m going to crochet and read magazines and pray, or do whatever it is that I want to do. The only way I could help is to call a plumber, or a heating guy or a remodeling company. But hubbs has his pride. And I’m trying to work my own program of recovery. I can point a finger at him all I want, but I’m really struggling to see my own character defects. I’d rather put that energy on me. When he actually makes comments about how I’m living my life, I get so mad. He’s trying to stir things up – the chaos level is apparently too low for his comfort. I can be upset without acting hysterical.I can, I can, I can. :)

Anyways, today. I prayed for a new job yesterday and I even prayed for my Guide’s timing. Today I feel like doing something artsy so I think I will make a pen and ink drawing. I also would like to bake a cake, after all, it was our 5th wedding anniversary yesterday. We both forgot. We’re MFEO – as the little girl says in Sleepless in Seattle. :) I have the next three days off. Oh this is nice!

Today hubby works all day. Tomorrow we have church. And Monday – who knows! Maybe I’ll go to St. Paul and take some photos!

Arrogant Me, Need Humility and Peace

I cannot change anyone else but myself. I cannot change others. I really need to beat this into my head this morning. There are two situations going on in my life that I am frustrated with and it’s because I am so arrogant. I am arrogant to think that someone needs to behave a certain way, or deserve a particular consequence for their actions. I am of no authority over anyone else but myself, even at work – and I work with children.

When I have suggested consequences during meetings, they never are good. No one ever says “Tawnya, that’s such a great idea! I’d never thought of that before.” I’m being sarcastic because I offer the absolute most basic consequence to an aggressive and violent child. I bet you’re thinking the same thing – suspension. Okay, maybe you could think of something more, but I can’t. Actually, I don’t want to. I don’t want to push my brain that hard over this. This job is not my passion. So, I need to let go of any frustration that I may have. I need to accept the things I cannot change and believe that there is a more Greater Being than myself who is far more capable – someone who has planned the paths. So, humility here I come! I have to be honest here, otherwise I am going to eat my way to my own personal hell.

On the way home from work today, I visualized myself meeting my Maker with that darn metal pail of trash again. I have to leave it at my Guide’s feet for the sake of my sanity.

Topic change: I am glad it’s Friday. Every Friday I say this. I look forward to sleeping in and not working two shifts a day. But then when Monday comes, I am glad for the routine and “me time” during the day. I’m tired of always not being content. I wonder what that’s about. No matter what I do, I should be content – as I am exactly where God wants me to be. Everything really truly is as it should be according to the universe and the Energy in it. I need peace about this.

…and with that I’ll pass.

Psychological & Spiritual Accomplishments and Self Acceptance

Have you ever been in therapy? I mean, a therapy session? Just one session will do for this relation. Usually, a session lasts an hour and then the therapist says something like “Oookay, times up!” They usually make this comment directly after you’ve disclosed some highly sensitive information that is life and death and completely necessary to explore at THIS VERY MOMENT. But you can’t. You have to go home. How does that feel?

That’s how I feel right now. It’s 4:30 pm. I seriously need to write and my husband is due to walk in the door at any minute. Argh! And here’s the kicker – I was home ALL DAY! I could have written, but what did I choose to do? Watch Dr. Who. Yeah. So, is this codependent behavior? Is this some sort of sick martyr-ism? This seems to be a pattern for me. I think, perhaps, I am a time waster! Doh! (Make a note to self – explore the reason for this.)

So – what did I want to write so badly about in the first place? I was thinking about writing. I don’t mean “blog” either. I mean actually writing something that I might like to have published one day – printed book. It could be either fiction or non fiction. I care not! Yeah, so I decided to shut off Dr. Who and write. Geez, I sat one the couch for 5 minutes looking out the window, laptop in my lap. I did write something, in fact.( A cheesy scene about a girl who walked up to a boy who sat at a table. She was shy. She wanted to know if this fella “Abe” had a borrowed magical sword in his possession.) OH MY GOSH! That sort of writing can kill a person. I sat there for around 15 or 20 minutes for 4 paragraphs. How do authors do it? Seriously! My mom writes. I give her tons of credit (and all others who write). She’s written a trilogy.

I’m ranting. I do have a point for today. Okay, lemme try to get back to it.

So, I’m not an author. I’m actually really simple; I lead a simple lifestyle. I’m a house-wife/part time employee in a nearby school district. My degree is in psychology – marriage and family counseling. (I have no interest in counseling at the moment.) I care for two dogs and a cat. And I can’t have children. And as I have mentioned before, I am 20 pounds over weight.

I don’t define myself by my materials, wage, or social life. (I would think anyone who defined who they were by wage would be quite sore considering the economy of 2013.) I used to define myself on achievements, however. That’s scary! Don’t define yourself by that. I didn’t have the guts to really accomplish anything that would be considered important to ANY human who walked the face of this planet anyways. So it’s a good thing I changed direction. But you know what? I think I’ve turned too far in the opposite direction. It seems that I have a hard time defining my accomplishments. Okay, the thought just occurred to me that my accomplishments are really psychological/intellectual.

I’ll explain. I was raised with a dry drunk in the house. He caused a lot of damage and I needed to go through a lot of learning to understand my thoughts, actions and emotions. I acted out in elementary school to the point of violence towards others and things. I was sent home on occasion. My teachers in junior high just passed me to get me through their class, and in high school the teachers were clueless on how to “handle” me. I ended up dropping out. I worked 50 hours a week as a bus-girl. From there it was “sex, drugs and rock-n-roll.” THAT’S when I ended up in the therapy session, in which I opened this entry. :D Depression was inevitable for a girl in my shoes. I slowly began to change for the better though. I went back to an adult school to earn my diploma and from there went to beauty college. I hadn’t totally shaken off the attitude, however, and got expelled for being “threatening” . I got through 9 months so I actually got my monies worth (or rather, my mom’s money)! I learned it all before I had to leave. Anyways, it’s still a negative in my accomplishment book. Geez, I had a terrible history of poor grades and incompletes, negative attitude and being mean.

After a serious period of depression, I scooped up enough guts to go to college and earn a degree. Of course that dry drunk ridiculed me for it and that hurt badly. But I pushed forward. I ended up graduating with honors on the dean’s list and in my major. College was a turning point for me. I worked full time and had class full time. Shortly after I met and married my alcoholic hubby, who is finally in recovery – thank you God – which has lead me to a deeper understanding of the supernatural, Al-anon, and ultimately what my role is in the universe.

At any rate, most of that is in the past (besides the al-anon and spiritual aspect) and here I sit. My accomplishments are psychological (and spiritual). I am no longer mean to people and I work daily to shake off my bad attitude and let the Light in. The kicker is that I still feel like I need to be “productive”. I’m so tired of hearing about people being productive!!! Whatever happened to enjoying life? To enjoy life is to slow down. I don’t think I’m dim-witted, but I have tried to slow down my mind with my body. One of yoga practices is to quiet your mind! How can over-achieving people actually practice and benefit from the principles of yoga, Al-anon or religion when they are cruising so fast through life? It’s a conundrum.

There is my psychological/intellectual accomplishment. The End. :D

See, I told ya that I needed to write. My husband just came home also. Good timing. As I walked out to greet him, I walked by something I am working on – a crochet scarf. After writing about slowing down and practicing self-acceptance, I still have a need to feel productive, and my glance at the scarf was a measure of my productivity. This doesn’t measure my self worth, nevertheless. I will realize this as a comfortable achievement and no more.

…and with that, my time is up. ;)

May tomorrow be slow, peaceful, (and metal-pail free) as I continue in my journey in becomingtawnya.

…And may your tomorrow be however you’d like to define a manageable life for yourself. :D

PS – If you actually read this entire entry, may you be blessed 10 fold in the measurement of time!

Here’s the scarf I worked on during Dr. Who (BBC).

Crochet (sc). "Amazing" yarn called VIOLETS.

Crochet (sc). “Amazing” yarn called VIOLETS.

 

Realistic Goals & Permission To Be Me

This morning I have read my Courage to Change and my husband, Ed, sent me a daily email he receives from Joel Osteen. C2C was about not to worry about tomorrow because it only saps us from our energy today. And Joel was about leaning on God, of course, when you are dealing with issues.

So many times I turn to food. Okay, pretty much ALL the time. I mentioned before that I have gained 10 pounds a year, except this past year. I held my current weight. It’s been a struggle. I’ve had weight issues my entire life. I keep coming at it from different angles – psychological, emotional, physical – yada ya. I’ve also tried dealing with my weight issue with a plethora of mindsets: be nice to myself, just do it, pray about it, and so on. Today as I type, I still don’t have the answer. When I lost weight (120 lbs) the first time around, it was what I wanted most on earth. I suppose that’s why I haven’t been able to lose the weight I’ve gained back – because my attention and desire has been divided. I have bounced chaotically around a practicing alcoholic husband trying to keep up my hobbies: sewing, crochet, movies, baking, beading etc. Exhausting. Pretty soon I just lay on the couch and flip through TV stations. After I lay for quite a long period in my life, I started feeling guilty for having started so many projects and not finishing them. Sure, I wondered where the drive went! But then I would just turn around an beat myself up for not being strong enough to deal with alcoholism better. No matter what, I was the crazy one, so I thought. And I’d eat.

Today it’s different (aside from the over-eating, I still do that). While I still LOVE my TV (I just picked up a 50” for our Christmas present), I give myself all sorts of permission to enjoy myself, no matter what it is that I am partaking in. Right now I am really into Dr. Who and Legend of the Seeker. So, I stream Netflix just about every day! I give myself permission. Al-anon has also taught me to create realistic goals for myself. So, if I am not really “feeling it” for a project that I’ve started, it’s not realistic that I finish it, or feel guilty about not finishing it – like my king size quilt that took me 15 years to piece together. Hah!

Okay, so getting back to the weight/eating issue. In light of the Al-anon principle I have decided to set realistic goals concerning this. I did allow myself to close my eyes and remember how I felt at 145 pounds, physically. My body was agile and pain free. I fit nicely in my car seat and in the tub. I didn’t bump into people so much. I loved how I felt sitting on the floor with my legs stretched straight out from my body or hugging my knees. I like sitting on the floor for some reason. I feel more in touch with my body. If I feel in touch with my body, I feel in touch with that beautiful Spirit in the grassy meadow, whom I visit on occasion with a metal pail of garbage. :D Anyways, back to setting realistic goals concerning eating.

I decided to go a moment at a time. If I get hungry, I’m going to depend on my Guide to lead me. I also asked Ed if he wanted to either work out, or stretch after work this week, to see how we feel at the end of the week. Maybe we’ll like it enough to go another week, and so on. I’m trying to not to make lifelong commitments to a certain lifestyle, lest I fail and get stuck with another metal garbage pail to carry around. I’m going to just try to avoid that entire scene by being realistic and stay true to myself as I am …becomingtawnya.

Clinic Chat and Finished Tub

I went to Fairview Clinic to ask about prices for allergy specialists. Apparently tests to learn what a person is allergic to is well over $1200 and that does include the clinic visit. Isn’t that just crazy?! Geez, I wonder if I just want to go to a general practitioner to get an albuterol inhaler. :) I’ll have to think and talk to some people before I decide what I am going to do. Until then, fluticasone and Zyrtec it is!

Hubby got all the drain work finished for the bathtub, so now that project is FINISHED. Next is the pedestal sink plumbing. One thing at a time. I’m trying not to act too excited. We need to bring our shower head back – I picked up a dual head, one has a hose and stands taller for him. Apparently, $75 doesn’t get good quality at Menards. Our $30 head was better! :)

Anyways, it’s lunch time and the laptop battery is low. I’m gonna eat. Cheese, apple, goldfish. :) All portion controlled.    ….more tomorrow.

PS – not feeling so tired today, but I DO need to rest. Veg out, before my next shift.

Al-anon Principles on Saturday Morning

You know, this blogging thing is truly amazing. Since I have been journaling, and not always cohesively, about al-anon principles that I have decided to live by and sharing my health trials, I have encountered so many other journalists who share the same experience. Even without many comments, a click of the “like” button helps my feelings of being alone in the matter to dissipate. Thank you for that.

I continue to research the health effects of black mold online. Last night I shared with my husband that there might be a link to my heart palpitations and chronic fatigue. Some people have palps from the fumes of the mold. Some have palps with a flare up of their asthma caused by mold. Yada ya. Since we’ve gutted out our bathroom, I’m really hoping that this helps some. I’m hoping there is a correlation with mold and palps and asthma. At any rate, hubbs grew really upset. He felt like I was blaming him. It was out of control anger. We didn’t go to our meetings last night and I swear that has an impact on him. He came to bed later than myself and he woke up angry! I showed concern this morning at his mention of it and when I learned that he’d held onto the anger over night, from the bed I yelled “Maybe you need to read your little book!” I am NOT his caretaker, dangit. It’s that alcoholic behavior that gets me sucked in. I did my part in the end. I pulled away psychologically and emotionally and looked for something wrong that I said, or could have said better. I told him that I was sorry he felt blamed, that I was only excited to learn new information that might lead to an end of these frustrating, anxiety inducing heart palpitations that I have had for 3 years now. I told him that in the future, I would begin my sentences with “I’m not blaming you, this is new info that I learned that I would like to share.”

I have no idea if this anger is alcoholic. He may also feels responsible as a provider to provide a healthy home to live. Maybe inadequate feelings are at the heart? I suppose I could speculate all day long, but I just need to worry about how I am behaving and make sure I am happy with it.

Sometimes I wonder if this chronic fatigue I battle is a combination of mold and alcoholic poison. Then again, I remember battling this when I was in college. Perhaps, mold, alcoholism and age has worsened it. My mother had it. I heard that my cousin down south has it. I wonder if it’s hereditary.

I’ll ask my mom if she knows anymore about it. Today she comes over for a season 4 Merlin (BBC) marathon. :) I suppose I should shower.

…more tomorrow.

Black Mold and Health Effects

For me, alcoholism has proven to be a bittersweet legacy – bitter, because of the pain I suffered, and sweet, because if it weren’t for that pain, I wouldn’t have searched for and found a better way of living.” ~ c2c

Amen. :D I suppose I’d have to agree here, no doubt. Getting my relationship back on track with my husband takes a lot of energy, and practicing new ways to treat each other seems to be easier and easier. I usually try and practice good manners, at the very least. You know, “Please, thank you, you’re welcome, excuse me…” etc. He’s appreciative of that.

Topic switch: This morning before work, he watched the news. Apparently a little boy who suffered from asthma, had the flu and the flu went to his heart. I guess his asthma worsened and he died. My husband is now worried about me. We did research online last night on the health effects of living with black mold (thanks Laura!). My symptoms are asthmatic flaring up, big time. And I know it’s because of the mold in our home- especially after reading so much info on it. I have had the flu twice thus far in the school year, and my last case wasn’t very good. I suppose some of his worry is warranted, but I hope he’s not being alcoholic over this. Stop and think, Sweetheart! I don’t feel like I am dying, but I am severely uncomfortable. And my extremely fatigued/exhausted days are listed as a symptom of black mold also. I just can’t believe how sensitive I am to this mold. Pieces are just falling into place.

I was just thinking about my turn off to cardiovascular exercise and it’s because I can’t breathe. I’m not a baby when it comes to strengthening my cardiovascular system, but I was experiencing sharp pain in my chest and in the left side of my neck. This is asthma! I needed to stop. Now that I have decided that the black mold is the culprit, I know what to ask for when I see the doctor. Too bad I don’t have insurance either because I know the insurance companies are mailing out surveys to rate the medical offices/hospitals on their services. At any rate – change the things I can and use wisdom to know the difference. :)

Well, I’m started to get distracted and research stuff online. I always take the info I find with a grain of salt. ;)

…more tomorrow.

Tired, and Feel Alone

It’s almost 2 pm. I’m a little later with posting today because after my first shift, I crashed on the couch. I had small things planned to do, but I seriously ran out of ALL energy. I ate a ton of fruit, then a bowl of barley chili that I made, then I had about ¼ cup ice cream with some syrup. Then took a nap. Going to bed at 9 pm is just too late. Some days I hate thinking about going to bed earlier because I don’t walk in the door until 6 pm. TWO hours of home time at night? Ridiculous. Do I need more sleep or do I need more couch time? Or both? Does anyone else have this problem? How many days did I make it before I crashed?

My mom said that she was always fatigued when she was my age. I wonder if this will pass. I seem fine when I am at work, most days. Well, now that I am not sick anymore. When I’m tired like this, I have no energy to stay on routine or fight to stay on track with healthy eating. I’m a monster. Now that I am journaling again, I will be able to track this a little better. I wonder what chronic fatigue is? I wonder if those with this condition are able to have good days, because I feel that I can have good days. IS this result of the mold? Is my brain chemistry being effected? I don’t feel depressed, other than what this condition brings on, that is. I am forgetful and end up not doing things that I want or need to do. Anyone else thirtysomething feel this way? I wonder. I’m going to post this and search blogs. I’m tired of feeling like a freak….more tomorrow.